The Mountain

Scrambling up the side of a mountain with loose rock slipping under your feet trying desperately to get to the top.

If I had to picture my journey as a step mom I would picture myself scrambling the side of this particular mountain.  The rocks keep falling and coming loose as I put too much weight on them or grab hold to try and pull myself up.  I am alone.  I get a little higher and I slide back down to the bottom.  I would try again, get a bit higher and then slide down with rocks falling on top of me.  It sounds like a hopeless climb, but it isn’t.  Years ago I would have my days where an analogy like this would be really depressing.  If I had to describe it again I still picture the same mountain but my take on it is different.

I see myself starting at the bottom every single time and I have yet to make it to the top. I know I have to start at the bottom and I know I have enough grit to keep climbing no matter how many times I fall.  I look up and can tell that the mountain has not changed at all.  I would think that if I could just get over one hurdle or to the next stage it would all be better and easier.  At least that’s what you hope.  You soon learn that there is always a new situation, stage in life, unfamiliar territory, or an incident that creates that overwhelming feeling of wanting to give up. You try new things that fail and old things that don’t work anymore.  You can see exciting things up there on some ledges where you can rest.   “When we get our own house, when we get a new parenting arrangement, when the kids get to be teenagers, when we have our own kids, when the step kids love me the way I want them to love me, when we have been married longer than they were, when we don’t have to pay as much money, when she gets married, when I am no longer second” and so the list grows.  When all you are climbing for are those big ledges hoping they will give you all the rest and happiness you need that’s when you fall all the way back down to the bottom.  Sometimes you don’t even get near them and never will.  If you do reach one of those milestones that fill your soul and make you so happy you have to celebrate.  Celebrate the time you get to rest and the view you have from way up there.  Enjoy it. Grab some champagne from your backpack and drink it up.  My first big ledge was building our own home.  It was the one thing I had that was just ours and ours alone.  I sat on that ledge a long time.  The thing is you can’t sit there forever.  You have to keep climbing.

My first attempts up the mountain I didn’t see all the ledges.  Maybe I was blind to them because I was caught up in all my feelings and getting to the ledges I thought were going to make me happy.  Maybe I chose not to see them because I wasn’t ready.  It was like they were covered with those fluffy clouds that seem to float on the side of mountains in the morning.  Really beautiful but hiding something because they were so thick.  These are the ledges I overlooked and I think the clouds hiding them represented anger, resentment and grief.  These were the ledges I wish I would have seen sooner to make my climb easier and to have more rest and less struggle.  These little ledges should have been celebrated with an even bigger more expensive bottle of champagne.  The wins.  The piece of paper I found cleaning up the basement after my stepdaughter moved out to live with her mom full time.  It was heartbreaking and I felt like it was my fault and I did everything wrong.  The piece of paper was from a project about her family and it said that I always made sure they had what they needed.  That isn’t an admission of overwhelming love but it was acknowledgement and respect for what I was doing right.  It is the phone calls from step kids on Mother’s Day. It is the teachers comments at parent teacher interviews about how amazing it is that we can all be in one place together for the kids and get along so well.  It is the times when the kids ask for pictures with their dad and me.  It is the hugs and the car rides dancing and singing to horrible tween music.  The comments from outsiders that say ‘they are lucky to have you’.  The phone calls from their mom saying ‘what are we going to do’ and knowing we have two completely different ways of getting there but it is all about the kids.  It is her trusting us enough to take her child from her second relationship on holidays with us.  It is camping trips and a ‘family moon’ with dirty kids who smile and laugh and want to be with you.  The first time the kids said they have ‘two moms’.  A husband who is doing the best he can loving all of his kids and second family with everything he has even if it’s not the way you thought he should.

The thing is the only thing that changes is you not the mountain.

So as I climb the mountain with each new stage or challenge that life throws our way I start the climb knowing I will slide and fall.  Sometimes it will hurt and sometimes I will get that little bit higher to a little ledge and feel so happy before I tumble again.  I even picture myself landing on my feet.  That’s a huge win.  I can navigate the mountain better.  I can see where it is weak and where I need to adjust my plan.  I push some loose rocks out of my way because they are little and not worth falling for.  I watch them land at the bottom happy that I was able to pass them by this time and not hold on to them.   Others I avoid all together because I know that these parts of the mountain will only leave me in tears covered with rocks.  There are a lot of these areas I now know to move away from.   For the first time I don’t see myself climbing the mountain alone.  I see my husband, my step kids, my kids, our families and friends and now even their mom is climbing the mountain with me.  Every one of us is reaching for a different ledge to rest on.  Something that we are all striving for on our respective journeys.

Then on the very best of days we all get close to the top together.  Sometimes ending up on the same ledges, dirty, messy, a little banged up with tears on our cheeks.  When one of us falls we all fall together because we are all desperately trying to reach out and help each other.  We end up at the bottom together brushing off the rocks and dust.  Then with a hug all around we get ready to start our next climb.