When our relationship was new and I was talking to others about my new instant family of three kids I referred to them as ‘His Kids’ or ‘the kids’. It never occurred to me in the beginning to refer to them with a name that hinted towards any kind of ownership. I also did not want to rock the boat and was careful to make sure people did not think I was taking over the mom title. It also gave me an out. Our relationship was new and subconsciously if I kept them ‘His Kids’, even though I was also falling in love with them, it gave me a false sense of security that if things didn’t work out no one would be hurt. So I went on using their individual names, which was easy, and referring to them as someone else’s kids because that felt safe at that time. Little did I know I would use this same tactic for a different reason later on.
As their dad and I got more serious my role in their lives started to change. I referred to them as ‘the kids’ or ‘our kids’ when their dad and I would talk. I was there a lot more and began to take over a lot of the ‘mom duties’ in the home. We had a growing bond and we began, not without some struggles, to develop our own special relationships. What was also happening at that time was a change in the role of their mom and dad. With living arrangements changing and me coming into the picture the parenting began to shift. In some ways this was great and others it felt off balance. This was when I started overcompensating as a parent and wife in order to make myself feel worthy and loved being second. It was also the time when I most needed boundaries and support and somehow could never put any up or ask for help. It was all about giving and being the best. I wouldn’t even let my husband help because I did it ‘the best’ and my worth at that time was tied solely to how good of a stepmom and wife I could be. To be very clear this was my doing. My husband didn’t conditionally love me or expect anything that I was taking on. I started doing all of this by choice.
These kids were not hard to love. They were funny, adorable, smart, kind and cuddly too. I loved spending time with them and feeling like I was this soft spot to fall with all that they had been through. I felt like I had a purpose. It is funny though how quickly we can tangle up and intertwine our worth with our responsibilities. I took on way too much for the wrong reasons.
I was so overwhelmed and always felt like I was drowning but I felt that I couldn’t admit how hard it was or how much I was struggling because I didn’t want my husband or others to think I couldn’t cut it. When talking to other people I started to hide the truth about how hard it was because it would build me up when they would say things like ‘wow those kids are so lucky to have you’ or ‘you are such a strong person to be taking all of this on’.
Instead of talking to my husband about how I was feeling and that I needed more help I just lost myself more and more. Instead of communicating I started to get angry and hurt that I was doing all of these things for him and the kids. It really is laughable. How could I be upset at him? He could have seen all of the things I was doing and taken over or said ‘you don’t have to do that, I’ve got this’ but I was always so happy and willing at first to do things because I thought he would see me as this amazing catch. I really did think that I had something to prove in the ‘mom’ department. When things got too much I wouldn’t ask for help, instead I would start referring to the kids as ‘your kids’ when I spoke to him. When I was so tired and didn’t have the energy emotionally or physically to do something for them I would say ‘your kids need this’ or ‘your daughter needs to go here or your son needs this done’. I said it with a tone. That sarcastic angry tone that implied he better take over here because this isn’t my responsibility. It would work. He would get it. He would take over no questions asked.
The ridiculous thing was he would have done all of these things anyway. If I had asked and if I had let him. Without me pointing out that they were his kids and without my sarcastic condescending tone. I could have said ‘honey I’m drowning can you take over this’ or ‘that is something I think you or their mom should do’. Better yet, I should never have taken on a lot of the things I was doing in the first place. They would have got done and I would have been less stressed, less resentful, and the kids would have been just fine. I don’t know why as stepmoms we feel like we have something to prove. I really do believe it is trying to find that sense of worth and a place where we fit. We want to succeed and we want the kids to love us. I think by overcompensating in the ‘mothering’ department we lose ourselves and end up in a role that is not healthy for us. If you feel like you are in this place please talk to your spouse. They will and do love you for who you are and not how much you are taking on with their kids. Talk to them about balance and what you feel comfortable with doing and what they need to take care of. If we would have had these discussions early on it would have been a lot easier for me to step back and take care of me.
This is part of my personality as well, the ‘I have to do and be everything to everyone’ and I am still not great at this. I now have my own kids and a dog as well and I still tend to take on too much, although I’m getting better…slowly. I still sometimes catch myself using the ‘your kids’ comment and I feel horrible because I know that is just a sign to myself that I need support. I am taking on too much and then I am resenting it. I need to check myself and ask for help. Ironically, I am getting better at asking for help from my step kids mom than from anyone else. I used to be so against asking her for any help, probably because I didn’t want to admit I couldn’t do everything, and now I welcome her help with open arms.
So if you take anything away from this, remember; you are enough, you do enough and you are not alone. There is, and should be, a team of parents in the blended family and anytime you can – please ask for help. Even if your spouse or the kids bio-mom doesn’t do things the way you do, or the way you like them done, learn to let go. Having help is better than taking it all on. I do know it’s not always ideal when dealing with the other household but make sure you sit back and acknowledge the things that you can step back from that will make things easier on you. In the long run you will be the one that needs taking care of if you don’t.
