Love, loss, grit, grief and a lot of grace. This has got me and our messy family to where we are now: happy, still learning, still growing, and healing along the way.
With a background in psychology I always wanted to help families and kids. Little did I know that all my education couldn’t help me when I ended up meeting a man who had three kids and all the baggage to go along with it. The excitement of the new relationship wore off pretty quickly once the reality of ‘stepfamily life’ started to rear it’s head. I was so alone. I had no one to talk to and no one who understood. I didn’t know anyone in my position. I searched the online world for support and found a few chat groups for stepmoms. When I was on those sites what really got to me was the hostility, hopelessness and anger. Now don’t get me wrong, I agreed with exactly what they were saying because I felt and thought those things too. I also needed to vent. I was angry, hurt, resentful, scared, sad and everything in between but what I was looking for was hope and happiness. I loved my man, his kids, and I really wanted to make this work. I couldn’t find the support I needed at the time to help me explore why I was feeling the way I was feeling or someone to tell me it was okay.
I fell into this life that forced me to be second. My entire life I was always taking care of everyone else and I was not good at asking for help. I felt like my worth revolved around being the best everything to everyone. I couldn’t accept that I didn’t need to be in this alone or that other people could help me along the way. Even those people who did things differently, or I felt couldn’t help the right way, they were there willing to be by my side and take over if needed. If only I had let go and asked. I have had a lot of loss in my life and this created a responsibility in me to make sure I was doing everything I could for everyone so I didn’t lose them. Thinking of my life, and then the transition to role of step mom and second wife, I can see how it was easy to fall into this ‘rescue’ mentality. I deeply believe that I was put in this role for a purpose. I needed to see that no matter what I did I would always be second. It was a hard pill to swallow. It doesn’t feel good. Then you learn to let go. You learn that it is so much better to not be the only one giving. I have never felt so free and grateful for where I fit in people’s lives. Everyday I am learning to receive support and in turn share with others the importance of putting yourself first and being vulnerable.
I have been ‘in it’ when it was really bad, when I gave too much of myself that I had nothing left, when we all made horrible mistakes, hurtful decisions, and sometimes when we did things right. What I really want to do is share what I wish I would have known back in those years to make it a little less hard and a little more happy for everyone involved. I was caught up in the anger, resentment and hurt for so long. It wasn’t until I started to follow those hard feelings that I came to a place of acceptance for where I fit and empathy for every person in our family trudging through the mud with me.
Today I think second is the most beautiful place to be. I am hoping that it doesn’t take fifteen years for you to get to where I am now, but in reality maybe we all need to go through the ugliness to get here. So however long it takes, or even if you never get here, I hope this site makes you feel a little less alone and encourages you to follow your feelings to find hope and happiness wherever you are in your story.
Much Love,
Lindsay