My husband and I went out for dinner last night at our favourite restaurant. We ate way too much and had a great time. We had just got back from an amazing vacation with our kids and were in need of some ‘us’ time. Removing ourselves from the everyday grind for three weeks had a huge impact on our relationship. It was the first ‘real’ vacation we have taken in almost ten years. That amount of time between vacations cannot happen again.
Over drinks we started to have a conversation about where we were at and I was holding back tears as I told my husband that I had so much more respect for him and love him more than I ever have. I told him there have been so many times in our lives amongst the drama of exes, kids, money, etc. where it would have been so easy for me to throw in the towel and how I was so glad that we toughed it out. I remember so many times, especially in the first five to ten years, that I would have given anything to take the stress away and escape. To just run away. I also remember doing exactly that. When things got tough I would go to stay with my mom for the weekend on my own. I had to escape and think about things and make sure I was really doing the right thing. I never thought about how that would effect my husband, then boyfriend, after an already failed marriage and the insecurities that come with that. I was wrong to run away.
I wasn’t wrong to need a break. I wasn’t wrong to need time to think. However, the way I did it was a hurtful way where I was almost punishing him for not doing things the way that I needed him too. There was always this unspoken message I gave him that said ‘I may not come back on Sunday if you don’t do better’. I wanted him to do exactly what I thought was right so I would feel better about the situation. It was all about me. When you say it like that it sounds really selfish. I was putting my worth on him. He had to do something to make me feel like the priority. I wasn’t wrong to want him to work with me to focus on our relationship and figure out how to prioritize us among the chaos but I did not communicate that to him. I never told him that I needed a break and space because I was overwhelmed or hurting. I just said ‘I’m going to my mom’s’. Running away is not communicating about things and it definitely is not healthy.
These were the times when it was all about me. I was hurting so I know I was trying to make him hurt too. That is awful to write down and admit but I remember thinking back then that if he was making all these decisions that I saw were choosing his first family then he must not love me or our relationship isn’t important. I completely ignored the good things and only focused on what he was doing to make me feel second.
I spent so much time screaming on the inside ‘what about ME’. It always felt like the things he was doing and decisions he was making were about me and how much he cared about me. I know now that that is so far from the truth. It was always about him. What I mean by this is he was trying to figure out what to say and do, in situations that were all hard and uncomfortable, to keep the peace on all fronts and not rock the boat. At this time he had his three little kids the majority of the time. He didn’t want to upset them or hurt them and had a lot of guilt about the failed marriage and what that was doing to them. That isn’t something that is easy to get over. He was also trying not to rock the boat with his ex, her family, and her boyfriend. Amongst all of that he had me in his life and wanted to make me happy but was pulled with everything he did toward the first family. He was trying to figure out how he would be able to keep his kids happy and close to him. I didn’t understand this. I don’t think he did either. I feel like in every situation that came up his first thoughts were survival mode. What is the lesser of two evils? How can I figure this out and not lose my kids or my relationship? How do I keep everyone happy?
There were so many times when I was angry and hurt by his actions and the things he was choosing to do or not to do that I emotionally abandoned him. That is not fair. At the time I was not thinking about him and how hard the situation was for him and what he risked losing. I was only thinking of me and how crappy I was feeling. He would come back from a mediation or meeting with her about something and the result wouldn’t be what I wanted it to be and I would be so angry. We would fight and I would be disappointed in him and so hurt. Those were the worst of times. I hated those fights. I always felt like it was about me. He didn’t love me enough, he was still loyal to her not me, she would always get what she wanted and I would never get what I wanted for us. Now I’m not saying that he could have made different decisions or choices and done better for us in a lot of situations, but I needed to have some empathy here.
A few months ago we were talking about these times in our life and for the first time he said out loud ‘I was only doing the thing that I thought was right at the time so I didn’t lose my kids, and if that was to give in to some things I shouldn’t have I did it because I could never live without them’. He went on to say that after one of his kids decided to go live with her mother full time he stopped parenting the other two the way he should have because he was afraid they would leave and he couldn’t handle that. Wow…that only took fifteen years for him to admit out loud. There were so many times I was enforcing house rules and doing the ‘unfun parent stuff’ with them and felt like he was just sitting back and letting me take the brunt of it. This turned me into the bad guy and he was the ‘fun dad’. This explanation of what he was going through never came up in our arguments or struggles throughout the years. I began to wonder if my fight for what was going to make me feel better in the situation overlooked everything he was going through on that deeper level. Why could I not see that? Maybe subconsciously I did know that. Maybe that is why we stuck it out and why I love him so much. Maybe, even though I didn’t admit it, I knew that he was doing it all out of fear and love for his kids. It seemed to come at my expense but it really was this wonderful man who loves his kids more than anything who was trying to do everything he could so they would always be a part of his life.
Here are some really important things I had to sit with after our talk.
- A big reason why I love this man is because he is an amazing father who loves his kids more than anything.
- Losing your children in any capacity is a blow that no one can understand unless they have lived it. No one knows how to handle this or how they will react. Empathy is the only way to understand this.
- He somehow knew I would love him unconditionally even if he made a mistake. That is what love is. Even when someone messes up you continue to love them anyway.
- Communication is one of the most important things to work on. Talk about your feelings and your ‘why’ so no one has to guess. Everyone is fighting their own battle you know nothing about no matter how close you are.
- It is about them and for them – not you. The choices and actions he makes are based on what he needs to do for him to be okay with him. This doesn’t mean he loves you less or you are less important.
- There is and never was any malicious choices to intentionally hurt me. It is a process and we are all human. How I felt during these times was all about me and I control my feelings.
- I needed to take a really close look at my hurt and anger and follow that to find out why this bothered me so much. What did I need that I wasn’t getting and what were the voices in my head telling me about my worth in these situations.
- We did not handle these situations very well sometimes. Either of us. This came at the expense of our health, our relationship, and sometimes the kids. You don’t see this until later when you look back and that is a hard pill to swallow. However, I firmly believe that if we practice empathy we will see that every person, depending on what is going on in their life at the time, has a different capacity to handle situations that they are put in. At each of those times we can only do the best that we can. We learn, we need to forgive ourselves and we do better next time.
Looking back on my experiences I challenge you to remember these things:
- Above all else remember that you are enough. You are loved, important and strong.
- Always take care of yourself and follow your feelings to the place where you can work on you.
- Reach out to those who are also in your situation. They can give you empathy because they have also been ‘in it’
- Have empathy for others but communicate enough so that the most important people in your life know how you are feeling. Share the ‘why’ behind your actions even if it feels scary to do so. I know that the more vulnerable you are there is more risk of being hurt but you can never pass up an opportunity to grow your relationship to the next level.
