So it has been 15 years and I feel exhausted. Maybe it’s because the years have taken a toll on my body and mind, I am just older, but I feel like I don’t have anything left. Some days I think back to how dedicated I was to batch one. I can’t put my finger on it. They were little when I met them but I didn’t have to go through the never sleeping baby stages so maybe that is what is catching up with me now. We also had time off with them when they went to their moms so that was a break and I could rejuvenate when they weren’t with us. It just seems like I was on my game. They had their agenda’s signed, clothes, forms, registrations, special school days and we even managed to plan ahead and have some fun on the days they weren’t going to school. I was working part time or different shifts then and not travelling for work so that may also be a factor. I also felt like I had to be ‘the best’ because I needed to show I was a good wife and mother. To prove to my husband that he made the right second choice. It sounds so ridiculous now because the only person who didn’t thing they were worthy enough was me. When the kids started going to their mom’s part time my husband did things differently too. He would plan overtime when they weren’t around and then we would have that extra cash. I would have more me time and he would work regular hours when they were home with us. Our custody arrangements seemed to change every year and by the end we had the two youngest of batch one with us full time for the last few years. That was also a lot with five full time and maybe that’s what gave my wrinkles. We had teenagers and toddlers and the mental and emotional capacity to deal with those two ages is hard to adjust to full time with no breaks.
I have two kids of my own that are now 9 and 10. I am doing my best but some days, well if I’m honest a lot of days, I feel like I am just too exhausted. Mentally and emotionally for sure. I forget things all the time, there is never any sleep and so much going on in my head that I feel like I will never get it together. The house is always crazy and I will never get on top of anything. I hear my mom friends talk about their lives and say they are also in the same boat and they don’t even have step kids. I had this dream of what I wanted to be like as a mom and I think I used to be that mom to my step kids but now I feel like I’m failing my own kids. I feel like sometimes there is nothing left for them and it just breaks my heart.
Maybe that break we used to have with the kids going back and forth to their moms before batch two was born was exactly what we needed. I could clean the house, plan, sleep, spend time with my hubby and all was well. Maybe time is all I need now. Time for me. Maybe I just need to be making more time for that. A friend of mine said something to me once about being a ‘single mom’. She said she thought it was easier. Now this is interesting because you could argue this up and down about why that statement is not true, however, she said she did week on and week off with her kids and it was so good for her. She could spend one week working, cleaning, spending time on herself and then when the kids came back the next week she was refreshed, wouldn’t have to worry about any of that stuff and she could focus all her time on them, huh…sounds like a dream. However, I couldn’t imagine spending a week away from my kids. That is something that I never understood until I had my own. I did enjoy the break and the recharge time but now with batch two I couldn’t imagine. Is this a mindset shift we all need?
There is always that never ending to do list. With batch one I got that done when they were gone and then some. When they were with us it was so fun with lots of quality time. We were able to take vacations when they were with us and every summer we went away together as a family and no one was left behind. Thinking about our lives in the last few years with 5 and then 4 full time, I always feel like all we are doing is running. There is never down time and the guilt is overwhelming. I feel like I am always saying, to batch two especially, sorry we have to do this or sorry we only have the weekend so we can’t do fun stuff everyday or we would never get anything done, we have to work on Monday, it’s too late to do this now. I feel like I get frustrated easier and I yell when I don’t want to. It is heartbreaking to look at the me with batch one and the me with batch two. I have thought about this a lot. I sometimes wonder if it has anything to do with the idea that I can’t yell or get mad at the step kids because they will leave us and the flip side with my own that they will love me anyway and I am not afraid of them leaving me because they have nowhere to run to?
I feel so guilty about the million things I forget or can’t go to. We are both working full time and then some. We haven’t been to one field trip for batch two and with batch one it was the favorite thing to do. My husband would live for field trips and take the time off. We seemed to never miss an important event. I am actually crying while I write this. How did our life get so busy and crazy that we can’t make time for our batch two kidlets. All I ever wanted was the best for them. I feel like they are getting the worst of me. I was working part time with batch one and going to university but I could plan my time around when they were there. Now I am working full time and commuting and I know life changes, circumstances, finances, friends, family, but I just wish I had the same time with batch two as I did with batch one.
If you look at it how my friend does and do the math I wonder if that would be better and I would feel less guilty? Not that I want to get divorced and share our children but how can we incorporate this self care and quality time into our everyday reality with full time kids. If I added up all the quality time we had with batch one and the quality time with batch two it would never be the same. Batch one would win by a landslide. This is a work in progress. I want to be that mom for my own kids and not feel guilty everyday that life is just too busy. I have started focusing on me and need to keep doing that so I can feel better and have the energy in mind and body to reprioritize and get to a place where I feel like I am the best (or at least the best I can be) for batch two.
Lately I have been talking to other women and moms who feel similar. There isn’t enough of us left for our kids because we haven’t focused on ourselves. As moms and women we need to do this. We need to be a priority to be healthier and happier for our kids. We need to find a tribe of women who are like minded and want to work on ourselves without guilt. You cannot pour from an empty cup so I would love to hear what you are all doing to try and keep a focus on self care.
